A strong cup of coffee

That's how I like my coffee... strong and very less sugar... if possible no sugar at all.....

It often causes people to raise their eyebrows.... many can't imagine the bitter taste of coffee.... filter coffee at that ... without sugar....

I rather enjoy those moments..... makes me feel that in a way am able to do something that they can't.... blah..... seriously..... makes me feel I got a higher range of tolerance at least in this....

Bittersweet life........

Somehow.... coffee tastes better that way.... all that shocking bitterness of coffee bean that hits you with an awakening of the senses..... and leaves the taste to linger for long long after.

Refreshing...

Imagine the perfect morning.... warm sunrise over a golden yellow horizon..... the light hits you straight on the face with a glorious wake up message.....( much more better than half those that we receive every morning in forwards.... :) )......... and you wake up... and sleepy headed open the shades and head for a cup of strong coffee......
Or a complete rainy morning, where it seems a sin to get out of bed.... and then you take your coffee standing by the window looking out at the fresh new washed world......
Or a snowed up morning.....(still haven't experienced this....), or a gloomy dull sunday morning.... or maybe the rush monday..... or a plain summer dawn.......

Anyday.... anytime..... a strong cup of coffee.....

Ranting out of senses.....

(I just head off to this blog anytime I feel that I need to speak off about some emotion...... And well though its pretty often that I need to, not many posts get written for the simple reason that most get deleted soon after formation.... Some make it to this world...... Most don't. And this time I have taken it very stubbornly in my mind that I am going to rant off about this peculiar feeling called jealousy....)


BETWEEN THEM
Part 1

(In her own words....... Shriya speaks....)

It seemed years ago. When was the last time I saw her?.... maybe a decade..... and yet even now she looked the same..... her small petite figure, well maintained tresses, pale complexion, firm features..oh! I could go on... She was a beauty..... And what was the most pleasing thing about her was that she was totally unaware of her self... and so totally complete a woman..... I smiled.... And made my way towards her.... I had to simply talk to her.... My classmate a decade ago.... and I almost knew nothing about her all along.... But every time I had respected her and had this decent opinion about her..... Rithika..... It was a big party, and there were so many people around... I almost had to elbow my way through... and when I finally reached I was looking completely disheveled..... and yet I guess she could recognize my smile..... She smiled back.... and looked stunningly pretty....
"Hey, isn't it Shriya..!!... How are you??" she squealed..... I was pleasantly surprised at this excited welcome..... and was pleased......
We quickly caught up on each other's lives...career, family, home ...... and I was surprised she wasn't hitched yet.... I had always been this me-am-career-girl type while to me she always seemed to be more..... family-ish ???

A movement behind us...... I turned..... And stood shell-shocked.. It was like one of those huge rock boulders off the coast of nowhere had come and hit me shell straight in my stomach..... right on target..... Guess things were flying around in my eyes..... I felt that sick anyway....... and all the while stared into his eyes...... It was him!...
Finally!
Rithika was saying something....... Nothing registered......
"How are you?....Long time no see..." It was him.... his voice...... deep, silent, and kind of.... manly?
That brought me back to my senses..... He was actually talking to me!.... After all these years!! I smiled... and immediately regretted it.... I was sure I looked silly or stupid or flirting or... plain-right plain.... And my smile was supposed to be the best feature of mine...... I muttered a fine, thank you..... And immediately asked him something.... and he replied.... and I stood feeling stupid.
All three of us were silent.... it seemed to me that it was roughly for the stretch of time by which I could have safely driven back home and got into bed, all shivering, had I started right then...... but as usual....... like every time I see him.... my feet stood rooted and sealed and nailed and....
Cut It Out!!! I commanded myself.......
Returning to sanity.......
He was looking at me in a very strange sort of way.... amused?? Rithika was watching the two of us.......
"What you doing here alone?", it was him....... Strangely that question thrilled me..... or was I looking too deep into normal...

I stopped..... He had casually draped his hand over Rithi's shoulder.....
Every single butterfly.... or maybe a moth?.... that flew around me, my head, in my eye... stopped and fell lifeless.....
The adrenalin that had hurriedly made its way right through to my head and was bringing up beautiful old memories soured......
I stood straighter... head up.... looked at him...... in the eyes?? (a miracle... considering that never ever before had I ever had the nerve to look him straight in his eyes..... Oh !... the power of envy!!!)
"Well... was invited... so came.... Me am not alone.... I have a partner.... ",I was flaming in the cheeks now.... partly red due to my quick-on-the-feet lie and partly green due to.......
"Oh ... where is he?....", he looked around... And with his height of some 6-feet-2... I was sure he could look over most people there......
"Somewhere.. I got to be going now.... See you people around sometime....",I looked at her... and avoided him....
"So soon?.... Well.... fine... but can you give me your number....?..."Rithika fumbled around in her purse for a piece of paper..... (I could have stored in my mobile instead.... that all beauty no brains woman!!)...... I rattled off a number.... and wasn't even sure it was mine..... I was still angered by the fact that he wasn't interested in taking it......
I somehow managed to walk out..... as fast as I could.... before the tears could appear..... It took me sometime to start my car..... and with shaking fingers and brimming eyes.... I made my way out of the lot....

Krish!.... My!.... My first love!.... Who am I kidding..... My first, last and hence, only love!...... I could remember him from school..... The same silent yet well modulated voice, the glint in those eyes.... his mostly neatly combed hair..... though I loved it when it got messed.... his "I think I know what's going on in your mind" look..... and his smile......

His smile..... something that I had once sworn that I could die for......
His total persona..... yes.... sometimes I felt it was all a mask... that somewhere deep within was a complete new person who was wild and free and laughing loud and .......

On the whole.... Krish.......

A one-sided attraction....

And all along..... in school I had never spoken to him once....
It was simple ..... I was scared.....
So all that I had to be content with were glances and whispers with friends.... most of whom were convinced I was slightly....... no,completely mad.......... and talking about him whenever I got a chance... to whoever I could....

And one day it all changed....

I never saw him after we left school.......

Till today.........

It was ironical...... completely......

There had been hundreds of times when I had been walking down a street after a particularly busy day and I would just stop right in the middle and stare at someone there...... sure that I had seen him.........

All those days I was rewarded with nothing other than equally bewildered glances from others.. and I could make my way back.... feeling silly and nodding away at my stupidness......

And now.... I had to meet him here?.... today?.... with her???

I glanced at myself in the rear view....... and groaned....

I looked awful, to say the least.....

Hair that had taken a completely awkward style.... I remembered that it was today morning that I did not want to waste time washing it for the party...... after all it was supposed to be yet another get together.......
My eyes looked bleary and i had dark circles..... And a dowdy blue saree that did more damage to the big picture than add to enhancement.....
All in all.... I looked the peasant and she.... a princess......
It was obvious who he would choose..... who anyone would choose......

I started crying...... big time.... and for now all I could see around me was green....

And now for the other half...

Krish and Rithika stared at Shriya's back as she made a hurried exit.....
"You sure she is fine?...... She seems completely shocked!?", Rithika held concern in her voice....
Krish smiled..... "It's true. I mean she likes me...... And well.... ", he stopped.....
Rithi smiled....."Is it true Krish?.... Is she the girl you mentioned?.... The one you like?", and on seeing him give a smile and a heavy nod... she continued, "Great.... Nice girl...Always liked her, even in school....You going to tell her sometime before you guys age?"
Krish laughed.... "I will.... very soon.... you see, I waited all along in doubt ... whether she did ever like me.... and today...... I know......."

He smiled......... and the two friends walked hand in hand, talking about the girl in blue.....

Voyages of an Eternal kind

She was dressed in white.... Somehow in that dark night it cast a gray shadow around her..... it was more like a halo... a sense of soberness.
She walked the short distance from the end of the road to the dock in slow silent steps... Somehow her pace accentuated the density of the night air... of the many unknown mysteries that lurked.
When she reached, the ship was ready to set sail.... There was nothing merry about the crew... or the passengers....
The moonlight played games on the waves..... It was the only light there... and it was everything to her.
He stood in the shadows... Even in that scant light she could see his face... Devoid of the usual smile... the usual glint in the eyes... He seemed a stranger.
He moved to the edge of the deck of that monster of a ship.... Why now?.... What was the use of words now?..... He dint speak.... Maybe he couldn't
She was silent.... She dint know why she was here.... to witness it all..... Yet, she knew she had to be here tonight... While he set sail.....
Was that a tear?.... Both didn't know.... but both cared, in their hearts....
His family.... They were too busy loading their bags and furniture..... And as she saw them.... her heart wrenched in pain....
The two of them were in a different space altogether... he on the deck and she down below in the dockyards....
The sky and the sea were in union.... the horizon was untraceable.... everything before them was blacked purple.... and there was the moonlight everywhere.... skimming over non-existent clouds and breaking into vibrant pearls on the crests of the waves.... and fading as silent as it could in the troughs....
It was playing..... and they were the players.....
It was painful.... yet she felt comforted now that he was there... near.....
Not a word they spoke.... They never had.....
It was soon time.....
The anchor was raised and pulled away......
The ship set sail.

She couldn't speak..... She wanted to cry out.... To shout, To ask him to never leave.... To plead... To get him back..... but she kept quiet... as always...
He didn't either......
Will he be back... someday???.....

The woman in white... the shadow of white in that light .... turned away.... she couldn't see him now.... now that he was going away..... maybe for...... forever......

When she turned back to look at the ship..... he was gone from the deck.....

She stood on the docks..... for how long she never knew.... but to her dawn seemed far away..... maybe years......

The clear sky clouded..... Will it raise a storm?...... She suddenly tensed, but then as she looked up, she realized, the skies hadn't clouded....

The clouds were in her heart.....

And.... over the seas.... the moonlight played....

And as the gray clouds in her heart blackened..... It started to rain.....

A New World

A milieu of colors greeted me as I entered the room. I imagined the work involved in having set up such elaborate decorations. It spelled nothing less than extreme class and elegance... the kind that people who are People indulge in as daily routine... class that was beyond imagination to most others in the society.

I waited. I was sitting on the edge of the couch... scared to do anything further... even browse through the magazines on the teak-glass table.I wondered how ever I never knew that such mags were in print... polished, cosmopolitan stuff.... the articles would be beyond my understanding, I was sure.... maybe with a kind of distaste that would remain in for a long time after.

It was a short wait... mainly because I was earlier than said... yet to me it seemed long... and I was making a mental note of how this was also a symbol of sheer "upper class" elite behavior... a symbol of money ruling over, a symbol of their disinterest in anything that was below their "high set" standards....

I waited still... the door leading to the inner offices was made of heavy rosewood.... (the kind that is polished the first time and left to fade to lend it that ancient look)..... and it opened... so suddenly... not even a creak that I noticed it only when it was fully open... and he stood there....

I almost gasped... I couldn't believe my eyes... he....he looked so different from what I had imagined him to be.... well, I just couldn't believe the fact that he looked..... completely normal..

He could have been anybody.... anybody across the street from where I live... just a well dressed gentle looking yet firm man.... I could feel it in his firm formal handshake....

I started. Just gave him the facts... It was going to cost a lot to build and we were running out of donors... And as he had promised our head some days back at a party .... if he remembered....

Here, I stopped... I was completely unnerved... It wasn't the first time I was asking for donations and I was very collected when I approached the donors.... but tonight... I was feeling misplaced and uneasy and .....

I hadn't heard it. Maybe I couldn't believe it.... I stared at him.... Did he mean to say that he was going to give enough for everything.... and also that he will take care of the kids' education?
There were around a 100 of them...

He corrected me...They were one hundred and fifty.....

I felt small.... I had missed the figures to such a large error and also was looking stupidly flabbergasted..... He stood up ... and handed me a pre-written cheque ... I didn't look at the amount... there was no need to... this man was different....

I stood up. He moved to the door.... and then stood by it.... he turned to me... and as an afterthought ...... "Wonder why money seems to bring a sense of despise towards those who possess it... I don't blame you.... guess its human nature.... But, I would respect people better if judgements were not made based on bank balances and turnovers and instead on something within.... Have a nice day...."

The door closed shut. I whispered a thank you to that majestic rosewood. It stared back with a sense of class and elegance that I respected now....

Of men, Of matter.....

Outside, the road seemed better and filled with promises of a new beginning to the hundred and fifty inmates of our orphanage.... and I smiled....wholeheartedly...

Talk about ironies......

I wonder if life can get funnier, crueler, and more interesting all at the same time..... all due to a single soul....

I had a dream.... long back.... and the one person with whom I want to share it is the most unreachable... and the most interesting... in a kiddish sort of way, I think life is getting saltier and sweeter.... something like my krack jack's ....lol

A bite here and a bite there... and everything is balanced....

Wonderful, really.... Talk about distances....

Well, how long will this shuttling up and shuttling down and shuttling away remain? And all through while these pretty shiftings and relocations happen, I have to sit quiet and sweet and silent and.... whew!

But maybe, I will sit sweeter and quieter and more silent to just watch out and wait.... to see how far everything runs to... to how far things get and well..... let me see..... let me wait.....

And while I do, I will have my kracks and jacks to give me company....

"If
you will
practice being fictional
for a while, you will understand
that fictional characters are
sometimes more real than
people with bodies
and heartbeats."

Richard Bach

And we will Go FLYing on.......

What actually Is all this here for?

A mission.... A molded finished job... a success.... an event... a lifetime.... All within a moment....

The Moment where realization begins, ends and reactions to the action of thought commences........ A life....

We all exist... but do we...??

Its the start of your granny version... the well-worn out words... we all are here with a mission... a soul stricken purpose that must be completed in order that we all attain salvation, attain God, attain immortality......blah!

Actually attain peace of mind and soul is what I would call it.....

Why do all of us in here... in this mad-rat raided-human infested-terror stricken-thought provoking-yet-really interesting.... world keep searching, searching, searching....... that in the end when we really stop and think awhile... we forget what it was that we ventured out searching for....

In the end... everything that mattered doesn't matter much... and what was to be done remains a distant goal.... a goal that then deserves super natural effort and misguided brains never get the strange provocation to get up and go.... to rise up and reach high enough to catch a part of that silver lined cloud that eluded us so far... and seems to even now.....

A dream..... dreamed eons back..... (I love this phrase... i guess I really dreamed up this magical phrase some night.... it has magic around i.)

What would it take then to clear all these illusions.....
Realization?

"Here is a
test to find
whether your mission on Earth
is finished:

If you are alive,
it isn't."

Richard Bach

Peace Prevails......

Timelessness and a tryst with Eternity

Okay, so you think that you are not going to live forever.... and yes.. you wont....

Its a really simple law, this multiversal law.... Only, you got to be thoughtful enough to understand it... because you always keep hearing it....

" As you Sow, so shall you Reap "

Simple.... yet interesting....
You know what... the human mind is presumed to be so very complex that people look for intricate mysteries and symbols in simple day to day stuff.... and in the end you always reach a completely hilarious decision and make a definite comedy out of everyday.....

And the real intended meaning is lost and left back.... if only man could look up at the skies and enjoy the simple brilliance of all the million stars and just go his way.... without standing fixed and wondering if someone there was playing hide and seek and squash and cricket and what not with us all.... God! how frustrated is He going to get if we assume he is jobless enough for all this .... (hehe)

And as you can see.... I have made it a point to beat around the Big bush instead of getting right down to sowing and from hitherto reaping......

What can life be if everything was understandable... and more importantly communicable? Maybe more exciting, maybe very mundane....

We never live that way... we never live easy.... never completely.... and there is this constant search within us.... for anything... for everything

Sometimes we get what we want , mostly we dont.......... and when we dont we send sms' saying.... God dint give us this because we deserved more.... or What is to be got will be got and what is to be not will be not.....

Funny
And hilarious

Its all in the mind... all this wanting, wishing, and creating what is to be got......
Think about it..........

Will get back too soon.....

" You are
never given a wish
without also being given the
power to make it true.

You may
have to work for it,
however. "

Richard Bach

Peace prevails......

Confessions...

I loved... I still do... and about the future part of it... This day I stand alone somewhere, a strange yet beautiful crossroad... and am waiting for the confirmation to come... so that I either steer clear of memories and go my WAY... and to the glory that awaits me there.... or take up the backward route and start over afresh... whatever it is, it will be different.

Am a very independent person... and I hate people trying to take over and control my life... Yet, a short and long time ago, I fell victim to the vicious circle... of love...

Am not here to transcend to deeper hidden realms and explain stuff... I will not, whatever done, get to finer details.... But am going to talk about an experience that turned me downside up... and the right way for now and forever...

It was an ordinary book... ILLUSIONS by Richard Bach (was reading him for the first time), and as I proceeded past the first few pages, I was hooked to it... and curiously though... for the first time... I had to read each page twice... not so much as to get the meaning than to know within that what was me was almost completely portrayed in each of those pages... yet each page throwing a different aura of the spectrum of Myself....

By the time I finished it... I realized that all along I was different from what I had believed myself to be... , that I was finer stuff and with fineness came a certain uncanny ability to know this world and to know things and people ever more better than before....

I understood.....

A newer dawn... and I could create...nope, recreate myself... and with my arise... will rise a newer world.... for me and for my DREAMS....

I am no ordinary being....

It was also very strange that this had to happen in the very mercurial and magical month of June ( the month of Mercury, the ruler of gemini ) than the electric and awakening month of February ( the month of Uranus, the ruler of aquarius ) and being a January born myself, I was more than a little intrigued, but remembered that When things have to happen, They will....

And true love lives on.... unrealized yet forever.... and when at the end of it all you quieten, then it takes over....

And to all those gloried atheists, may God be with you!

" Every person,
all the events of your life,
are there because you
have drawn them there.

What you choose
to do with them is
up to you "

Richard Bach

Peace prevails....